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Art of Accomplishment

The Superiority Trap

Published 29 days ago • 2 min read

Note: Scroll down to check out our new section How to Have Better Meetings.

The AOA Leadership Newsletter

Hi Reader,

I've seen this pattern in several of my CEO clients:

They feel superior as a way to protect themselves. But in actuality, they're signaling their shame and shutting down their joy.

Here’s what I show them to break the pattern:

1 - Superiority and deep joy are fundamentally incompatible.

Try to name a single person who feels superior that is also deeply joyful. You won’t find them. Because superiority traps you in something called "Comparative Mind"

2 - Comparative mind is misery.

You can’t place others beneath you without placing others above you.

Even if you’re high on the ladder, there’s always someone above you—someone richer, smarter, or someone more in touch with themselves.

Putting people above you is comparative mind, and that's misery.
Putting people below you is comparative mind, and that's misery.
Putting people equal to you is comparative mind, and that's misery.

Any form of comparison takes you away from your heart. In the end, we’re either humans connecting or humans comparing ourselves to each other.

3 - Superiority is not confidence. It's a protective strategy.

It's a maladaptive response to shame, rooted in the belief of “I’m not good enough so I have to be better.”

I’ve done this too. There was a time in my marriage where I saw myself as "better than" my wife, and it completely broke our connection.

Every fight was stuck. I couldn’t be vulnerable, couldn’t be seen, couldn’t feel what my triggers were asking me to feel.

Why? Because I was too busy trying to stay above her so I didn’t have to feel my hurt.

4 - Judgment is a form of superiority.

When we judge people we put ourselves above them. And every time we judge people, there’s an emotion we’re trying not to feel.

We struggle to accept in others what we haven’t made space for in ourselves.

For example: When someone’s sad and it annoys you, you’re probably not okay with your own sadness. Or, when someone’s showing off and it makes you cringe, you’re likely struggling with your own desire to be seen.

5 - Superiority isn't always obvious.

Sometimes it looks like silent judgment, intellectual one-upmanship, or dismissing others as “less evolved.”

But sometimes it’s even more subtle... or generous-seeming like: Listening in order to help or fix, thinking “they’re not ready for my truth,” or feeling proud of being calm while others are reactive.

It’s all “better than” dressed up as emotional maturity.

So how do you let go of superiority and let in joy?

Once you realize that superiority hides something tender, it gets easier and easier.

Here’s an experiment you can start with:

Experiment

Every time you catch yourself judging someone, ask yourself: What emotion am I avoiding by being judgmental?

Once you find the feeling, feel it for 20 seconds. If you want to explore it with more depth, use Emotional Inquiry.

How to Have Better Meetings:
Get to the Right Problem

Meetings often go sideways because people are answering different questions without realizing it.

Someone’s arguing about how the button should look. Someone else is talking about whether the button is on brand. They do not share the same context.

Before diving into problem solving, ask: “What is the actual question we’re trying to answer?”

Then agree on that. It realigns the room like recalibrating a compass.

Big Love,

Joe

This newsletter is brought to you by The Council.

Art of Accomplishment

Inner work isn’t a detour from high performance—it’s the path.

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